This is for me.

I panicked this morning.  I couldn't remember my username and password for my blog!  I haven't visited here for years.  Luckily I was able to figure it all out and was able to log in.  

I've been struggling lately with life.  There are so many highs and lows that it gets hard to navigate sometimes.  Many times I've poured my heart out to God asking for guidance then I am quiet and listen for direction.  Somedays are just difficult.  The world is a nasty, mean and hurtful place but at the same time it is the most hopeful, glorious and beautiful place. 

I've gotten a clear message that I need to blog again.  Not that someone else might gain something by reading it but that I may find comfort in sharing a thought or two. 

If you land here you're welcome to read it but please know that it's for selfish reasons I share.  This is therapy for me.  

Thanks!  

SAY SORRY LIKE YOU MEAN IT!

SAY SORRY LIKE YOU MEAN IT!

Ha ha...how many times did I hear this as a child?  My Mom would say, "say it like you mean it"  I followed her example and said that to my kids and now I wonder if they say that to their kids.  Nothing is worse that a forced and insincere apology.  I found some great advice online. 

"Apologize when you've made a mistake. If you want your family or friends to trust you, then you can't act like you're flawless. If you know you've made a mistake, own up to it instead of being in denial. Though your family or friends won't be happy that you made a mistake, they'll be very pleased that you're mature and grounded enough to admit it instead of just pretending that nothing is wrong, or worse -- blaming it on someone else.

When you say sorry, you should mean it. Let your friends hear the sincerity in your voice instead of thinking that you don't really care how they feel."

- Words to live by -

Below is some spiritual enlightenment for your weekend.  

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/10/i-will-bring-the-light-of-the-gospel-into-my-home?lang=eng


Last week I got a visit from these two and their Dad, Mike. They came for my sister, Debbie's, funeral. Their big smiles make difficult times easier to bare. They have each grown at least a foot (little exaggeration) in the few months it's been since our last visit.  I love those big brown eyes!

SISTERS

My oldest sister, Debbie, is in trouble.  She had a stroke and may not recover. 

Above - Carol, Debbie, Me 

Although we haven't been close as adults, I love her. She bore the burden of being the oldest of seven children. I am sure that was not easy.  I am sure there were many expectations placed on her, being the first born to our then, teenage parents.  She took me to church, bought me school clothes, taught me about love and patience and made me feel safe.  

"My sister shares a part of me

that no one else shall ever see.

And when the days and miles divide us...

the bond we have will live inside us.

Together sharing dreams, love and laughter

My sister for always, my friend...forever after."

"Close to my heart, you'll always be.

Friends forever, My sister and me.

Below - Don't want to leave my beautiful and youngest sister, Nancy, out.  She was born way after the picture above was taken.

 

                            

THE SCIENTIST

Years ago my son Scott mentioned that whenever my Grandson, Tanner, would get cranky in the car they would turn Coldplay on and it would soothe him.  This was when Tanner was a baby.  He’s not a baby anymore, he’s turning twelve years old in exactly thirteen days. 

When Tanner was about five years old, he was sitting at the kitchen counter visiting me while I made cookies.  This is something I’ve enjoyed about my Grandkids.  They all seem to congregate at the kitchen counter and watch me cook.  We were listening to my Pandora station and the song, The Scientist, by Coldplay came on and Tanner joined in the chorus in perfect pitch.  I tried not to bring attention to his singing for fear he get embarrassed and stop.  

“Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start”

Whenever I hear that song it takes me back to that day.  I miss that adorable little boy with the big blue eyes and that huge smile.  He’s grown smart, tall and handsome.  He made me a Grandma for the first time. I’m so proud of you Tanner. I love you to the Moon and Back!  Three hand squeezes and three horn honks...(our secret code).

"THE KIND WORDS WE GIVE SHALL IN MEMORY LIVE"

Carol and I with our Mom - 1994

Years ago I was required to go to a courthouse to pay a traffic ticket I had procrastinated about.  I was one of several people of all nationalities and color forced to wait my turn to see the judge.  We waited in a hall lined with benches.  I will never forget one lady there with a little boy about the age of two.  He was an adorable and very active little guy who gave everyone there a big smile.  She seemed very irritated with him not sitting completely still like she had sternly ordered him to do.  As she sat there and he ventured off his seat a few feet she would shout swear words and call him unspeakable names and tell him to sit his A** back down.  She showed him no love, dignity or patience.  

When I was about twelve or so, my sister Carol and I got a tape recorder from our parents for Christmas.  It was a hand me down tape recorder that belonged to my older brother and he didn't use it anymore. My Mom cleaned it up and there it was sitting under the tree on Christmas morning. My parents were broke, they had seven kids to provide Christmas for. I didn't understand much about that kind of stuff at the time. The stress and heartache my Mom had gone through to insure seven kids a fun Christmas must have been overwhelming.  

Carol and I were thrilled and we loved our present. We spent hours upon hours recording ourselves and others doing and saying silly stuff.  We even figured out how to speed up and play our goofy recordings to sound like the Chipmunks.   We'd turn the volume up loud and laugh and laugh.  It rates among one the best Christmas' ever.

We must have driven my poor Mom crazy for days with that tape recorder. We were asked multiple times to turn the volume down.  I remember being at the kitchen counter while she was fixing dinner and blasting the Chipmunk version of something I'd recorded.  She lost it.  In that moment she was out of control.  She grabbed me, yelled, slapped me and then said something that still rings in my ears....."I hate you".  I was devastated. She came to me moments later and said she was sorry, I could tell she'd been crying.  It was an ugly sliver of time that my Mom lost it and said something that should never have been said. 

I know beyond any doubt that my Mom loved me. Her kids were the world to her.  She sacrificed for all of her children in one way or another.  She did her best.  I am sure that my Mom was haunted by some of the things she did or didn't do as a Mom.  I know this because I am a Mom.  I am haunted by the same thing.  Aren't all Mom's human?  Don't we all have regret or sometimes want a do-over? Haven't we all had sleepless nights at the end of a tough day praying to do better tomorrow? 

May we all have the strength to think before we speak and control our anger. There are so many people that need a kind word from us instead of an angry reaction that causes their ears to sting and heart to feel heavy.  I know my Mom would have turned back time to take those words back if she could have.  We all make mistakes but lets do ourselves a favor and try harder. I love the inspirational words below that a Facebook friend shared with me.  Peace -

We are all susceptible to those feelings which, if left unchecked, can lead to anger. We experience displeasure or irritation or antagonism, and if we so choose, we lose our temper and become angry with others. Ironically, those others are often members of our own families—the people we really love the most.

Many years ago I read the following Associated Press dispatch which appeared in the newspaper: An elderly man disclosed at the funeral of his brother, with whom he had shared, from early manhood, a small, one-room cabin near Canisteo, New York, that following a quarrel, they had divided the room in half with a chalk line, and neither had crossed the line or spoken a word to the other since that day—years before. Just think of the consequence of that anger. What a tragedy!

May we make a conscious decision, each time such a decision must be made, to refrain from anger and to leave unsaid the harsh and hurtful things we may be tempted to say. - President Thomas S. Monson

PARENTING IS NOT FOR WHIMPS.

"You're braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem and smarter than you think"
A.A. Milne, - Winnie the Pooh

This isn't a post about what a wonderful parent I am. It's not about giving advice or judging.  It's about my observations of my children and their parenting.  I find it interesting that we all seem to have our own parenting style.  What works for one, might not work for another. All kids are different.  My kids have that figured out.  Each has their technique that works for them. 

We had a little family reunion this last weekend.  We woke early to have family pictures done.  Each little family was gathered together with Craig and I in the center.  It was awesome and made me reflect on how blessed I am.  Craig and I have five grown children, four are married and one is enjoying life doing his own thing for now.  We have eight beautiful Grandchildren.  

Who would have thought that two crazy kids, in love in high school, would still be together in their fifties and  have such an incredible family.

My Grandchildren have parents that love them, protect them, teach them and want only the very best for them. They are all thriving and happy.  How much more could I ask for.

These pictures are from our little get together.  Can't wait for the family portraits we had taken, I'll post those when I get them.

GOOD FRIENDS AND GRANDKIDS

Last Saturday Craig and I went for a little drive to one of our favorite places, Yankee Meadow.  We wanted to share it with our good friends, Sam and Ruth Gracia.  It was a nice break from the triple digit weather we've had. As expected it was beautiful and the weather was perfect for a picnic in the mountains.

I can't forget to post about my special visitors on Monday.  Kylie, Kayla, Jayden and Shaylie came to my house!  They stayed all day and we played, swam, ate and got totally worn out.  I love those kiddo's and wish we lived closer.  I just can't get enough of them!  I didn't get a picture of Jayden but just know that he is the very best at cannonballs!